.

I know no one reads this any more. I'm ok with that. I just need to write.

It seems like a lot of death is happening lately.

A kid I used to know killed himself this week. It's been years since his family moved away. In my head he's six. His family never even saw it coming.

When I was in high school my friends talked a lot about killing themselves, but most of them never even attempted it. This kid, just out of the blue is gone. No warning signs. No note. Just gone.

I don't usually cry when people die. Maybe because no one I know well died young. Maybe because I don't cry over much anyway. Suicides always make me cry though. Even if I don't know the person at all. It's not so much for them, but the people left behind, trying to figure out why their love wasn't enough.

You know when someone dies of disease or in an accident, even if it's a kid people always say to remember the good times. And you know that at least you had that and that at least you loved each other. But suicide's so cruel, all you can do is wonder what went wrong. When did things start going bad? Last month? Last year? Were they ever good?

I get why people contemplate suicide. Life's hard. Death's easy. I get it.
I always wonder though about suicides. Did they imagine how it would be for their family? For their friends? Could they see how it would play out? Did they care? Do they think about the hole they're leaving?

Whenever I hear teenagers talking about doing something unhealthy. Suicide. Illegal activities. Running away. I always want to ask them if they love their family. I know they'll say yes. They'd stop a bullet for their family. Maybe they would. I don't know. I just think if you love people you do what's best for them. Sometimes what's best for people is for you to live a good life. Graduate. Get a job. Pay your bills. Visit at Christmas. Be polite. Stay alive.
It doesn't take a whole lot to love the people who love you back.